our cab driver is having phone sex.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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