His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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