just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Less talking, more tequila
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
