don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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