are you so shy because you have an std?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Gay?
German.
Pity.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
