I should be sponsored by Trojan
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
