I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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