I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
