Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
