i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
