I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize