I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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