So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
