1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
