How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
