Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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