I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
