Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize