I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
His nipple licking is glorious
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