I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
