I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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