Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
