I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
