You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
