So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
