I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
