I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
