Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
