yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
