Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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