we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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