Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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