Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
