That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
