What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
