I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
