Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
