Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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