I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
