I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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