I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
a search helicopter?!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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