sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
