I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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