Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
