I'm passing your future prison.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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