I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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