Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
