I can text with my tongue
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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