Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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