when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
