I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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