Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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