You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
