they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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