I met the friendliest cop last night
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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