God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
