so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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